Do I get a cookie for the Disney part?

'Princess'

'I'M 99.9% SURE I'M A'

It's based on LHF Argentine, but heavily modded. No longer available from LHF site.

Looks like a horizontally scaled demi weight of this one (to me)

…and the tree is the lower case 'q' from this font…

http://www.myfonts.com/fonts/pizzadude/not-a-chance/

"Vintage Logo"

Or possibly Dynamo Bold (old brain and eyes are confused by the outline stroke).
http://myfonts.us/td-nZeuxL

'ijats garage'

This bears a striking resemblance to…Rough Riders Fill, but edited and with an added stroke and decorations.

This, manually distressed.

Can't tell who's cut but it's Umbra

Menhir is right, you need Illustrator or Photoshop (or similar). Both used to be available as a 30 day fully functional trail versions.
In Illustrator, you can use the Appearance panel.
Set your text and set the fill to nothing. In the appearance panel, add new fill and set to RGB Red. Repeat the process for Green and blue. Set the fill opacity for each fill in the appearances panel to screen. This will leave you with white text.
Now select the blue fill in the appearances panel and use Effect>Distort & Transform>Transform to offset the fill slightly to the left. Repeat to the right for the Red. This leaves the text editable and can be saved as a graphic style that can be applied with one click.
Also:
In Illustrator, three layers of the same type, one red, one green and one blue, Nudged so they offset and with the Blending mode set to screen. Ditto in Photoshop. Alternatively, set white type in Photoshop, flatten image into a black background and in the channels palette, nudge the red channel, blue channel etc to offset each.

Jury is still out on this one…
http://www.dafont.com/forum/read/72093/gta-five-font-please